


Home

by Ralkana



Series: The Giftverse [2]
Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Alternate Reality, Angst, Early Work, Established Relationship, F/M, Family, Fluff, Reunions
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2002-04-09
Updated: 2002-04-09
Packaged: 2017-10-29 04:26:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 13,634
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/315805
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ralkana/pseuds/Ralkana
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>An early morning knock on the door disrupts Gretchen Janeway's quiet day.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer ~ I don't own them; Paramount does. If I owned them, I think they'd have been much, much happier.

 

I was just sitting down to my breakfast when the door chimed. Groaning, I decided to ignore it. After all, the only people who'd rung my doorbell in the last few weeks had been reporters, and I didn't really want to deal with any more of them right now.

The chime rang again a few seconds later, and then again several seconds after that. And then, to my astonishment, whoever it was simply leaned on the signal, creating all kinds of feedback and unpleasant noise.

I was marching through the living room to the door to give whoever it was a piece of my mind, when a muffled voice came through it, shouting as a fist pounded the wood. "Mom, I know you're in there. Open the damn door!"

I think I flew the rest of the way, gasping. I wrenched open the door, and there she was. My Kathryn, my Katie, my little girl, standing there in front of me, lip quivering and eyes shining. I reached for her and she fell into my arms, sobbing. Knowing there were reporters skulking around and not wanting this on the evening news vids, I yanked her into the house and shut the door.

We held each other for several minutes, letting out nearly a decade's worth of fear and grief. She composed herself before I did and glanced behind her, doing a double take at the closed door.

"Mom! Did you shut the door on -- oh my God! Mom, how could you?!"

Her obvious chagrin pulled me out of my tears and, utterly confused, I asked, "How could I what?"

She opened the door and peered out onto the veranda. "Get in here, Gift!" she ordered, and I heard a deep masculine chuckle in reply. Oh! There was someone with her, and I'd shut the door in his face! I could feel the heat creep up my cheeks, and I raised a hand to my mouth in horror at my own action.

A tall, broad man entered my home, and as he stepped out of the shadows of the doorway, I saw the indigo tattoo on his brow. I recognized him from the news vids I'd seen of Voyager's return, weeks ago. Her first officer? Why had she brought him here? And why was he holding a 'fleet duffel? Then, I saw the way his eyes darted around the room, and I saw his worried -- but still handsome -- grin. I saw how close together they stood, and most importantly, I saw the look in my daughter's eyes as she gazed at him. Of course. She'd brought him home to meet her mom, and I'd shut the door in his face.

Kathryn drew herself up to her best Starfleet posture and said, "Mom, this is Captain Chakotay, my fir -- former first officer. Chakotay, my mother, Gretchen Janeway."

"Oh, Captain, I'm so sorry! I didn't even see -- I mean, I was so -- "

He held up a hand, and I saw laughter in his warm brown eyes. His smile grew, and deep dimples appeared. I could definitely see what my daughter saw in him. "That's quite okay, Mrs. Janeway. You were understandably captivated by Kathryn. Believe me, I know the feeling well. And please, call me Chakotay. No rank necessary. The admiral here is just quite proud of her role in my promotion and likes to boast about it as much as possible."

I laughed, wondering why she shot him an angry look, and then the full meaning of his words hit me. "Admiral?! Katie, you're an admiral?!"

She sighed and glared at him again. "Yes, Mom. I was going to tell you myself..."

His smile faded slightly, and I decided I couldn't bear to see him sad when I was so deliriously joyous. "Oh, Katie, don't be mad at him. He's probably just as proud of the admiral as you are of the captain."

She grinned her little half-smile, and I could feel myself choking up again with the wonder of having her here, home and safe, after so long. She placed her hand on his chest and whispered "I'm not mad," just before she reached up and planted a quick kiss on his lips.

As she did so, his eyes flickered nervously to me, and I sighed. "Katie, what have you been telling this poor man that's got him so scared of me?" Taking one of her hands and one of his, I looked into both their faces. "Kathryn, are you happy?"

"Oh, Mom, happy doesn't even begin to cover it."

"What about you, Chakotay? Are you happy?"

He solemnly, simply, said, "Yes," but his eyes said so much more, conveying a depth of emotion I couldn't even begin to interpret.

"Well, that settles it then." I placed her hand in his. "You've got whatever blessing you wanted to ask for, and if you didn't want a blessing, too bad, you've got one anyway."

They both visibly relaxed, and something tugged at my memory. "Gift? Why'd you call him that?"

They both chuckled, at a private joke, and Kathryn answered, "It's a long story, Mom. One of many..."

That galvanized me into action. "Oh, where's my hospitality?! Sit. I'll make some coffee, and you can tell me everything you want to tell me. I'll just go call Phoebe and David first and invite them and the kids to dinner; you are staying for dinner, aren't you?"

She smiled at my sudden flurry of activity. "Yes, Mom, we'll stay for dinner. In fact, if you'll have us, we'll stay the night, but we have to return to HQ tomorrow afternoon."

"If I'll have you?! What kind of a question is that? Katie, the two of you can stay here for as long as you'd like! This is your home!"

Chakotay abruptly turned for the door, setting down the bag he still held. "I think I'll go for a walk, check out Kathryn's childhood stomping grounds."

"Are you sure? You don't want to sit and talk with us?"

His dark eyes looked from me to Kathryn and back again, and he smiled, shaking his head. "No, I think a walk will do me good."

Bless him. He was giving me a chance to be with my daughter when he was so very obviously happiest at her side. "Chakotay, I'd better warn you... this area has been swarming with reporters lately, ever since the news of Voyager's return."

He scowled. "Figures. That's okay; I think I'm used to them now, and it will be better for them to see me on my own instead of with Kathryn."

"Are they hounding you?"

She replied for him. "Oh yes. They won't leave the crew alone, and they won't quit until they have a confession from the two of us about whether or not we're in a relationship."

"But you are in a relationship."

"Yes, but it's none of their damn business. Starfleet's questions are bad enough!"

The vehemence in her voice surprised me. Apparently this relationship was not without its challenges. Hmm... this merited much more discussion with my daughter.

"Do you still want to go for that walk?" I asked. When he nodded, I added, "You might want to stick to the main road; it's pretty easy to get lost around here if you don't know where you're going."

He chuckled and she snorted. "What's so funny?"

"He used to be a tracker, Mom. He'll be fine, and he'll get back home safe and sound, as long as there's not a shuttlecraft involved."

He glared at her in mock outrage, and her laughter pealed again. Another private joke, I realized. _I guess I'll have to get used to them._ At my look of bemusement, she clarified. "Chakotay's record with the shuttles on Voyager is not exactly stellar."

"Hey! I just had a run of bad luck!"

"For eight and a half years?!"

He opened his mouth to retort and she hugged him quickly. "Go. Take your walk; I know you're dying to get out into nature. Just be careful and come back to me."

"Always," he said softly, and slipped out the front door.

She stared at the door a moment longer before turning to me with an extremely goofy grin on her face. I laughed and held my arms out to her again. She returned my embrace, laughing and sobbing at the same time.

"Oh, Mom, it's all so overwhelming."

"Come on, Katie, let's go in the kitchen and talk. I'll make us coffee and you can tell me everything."

She sat at the table, toying with the saltshaker, and I choked back a sob at the image. The mature, graceful woman sitting there was superimposed on a picture of a young girl in tennis whites, surreptitiously handing tidbits to her dog under the table.

"God, Mom, I don't know where to start."

"Tell me what you're doing here! I wasn't expecting you for weeks! The debriefings can't be over already. I want to know all about your ship, your crew. Tell me about your promotion. Tell me about his promotion! Tell me about him!"

Kathryn grinned at my enthusiasm. "Oh, so you want to know everything, hmm? That shouldn't take long; it only took me five weeks to tell it to Starfleet, and that was the abridged version! Oh, that's a good start, there. Yes, the debriefings are indeed over. It _has_ been five weeks, Mom! Starfleet is quite anxious for positive PR, and the press was getting quite restless waiting for news of and interviews with the prodigal crew. I think they've had everybody at HQ working round the clock to get all this done. Mine was -- obviously -- the longest, although Chakotay's wasn't much shorter, and they finished with me yesterday morning. Yesterday afternoon, they gathered the entire crew together to hand out commendations and promotions. One promotion in particular was long overdue, and I asked them to take care of that one first..."

She trailed off, lost in memories, and I watched her. There was such a look of naked pride on her face, and I let her revel in it for a moment. Then, her countenance grew pensive, and I knew she was reflecting on all of those who hadn't made it back with her, those whose commendations had been awarded posthumously.

"Hey... Kathryn. Honey, I'm here. Tell me..."

She shook herself back with a start. "God, Mom, you should have seen the crew when they promoted Chakotay and me... I thought B'Elanna was gonna -- " She stopped and chuckled. "Well, we'll get to that later. I have so many stories to tell you, but I'd have to start at the very beginning. Anyway, to finish how I got here... after the presentation ceremony, they gave all crewmembers 48 hours leave. I would have been here sooner, but... well," her face grew red, and I thought I could figure out what she would say next. "Chakotay and I hadn't been allowed to see each other for over a month... I'm sorry, that sounds so horrible -- we hadn't seen each other in a month and I needed to see him before my mother, who I haven't seen in almost nine years..."

"Honey, it's okay. I've been in love; I know what it's like. I'm just so glad you're alive and here! But if the debriefings are over, why do you have to return to HQ so quickly?"

She made a face and sighed. "Starfleet wants us all to go through several weeks of reacclimatization counseling, and they figure the sooner the better. So they're separating us all from the family we've created over the past eight and a half years because they figure it will make things easier for us. Damn counselors." She sighed. "I don't want to be separated from Chakotay again; I was apart from him for too damn long to begin with! And I want to see my -- God, what are they? My senior staff? My friends? My family? They've been everything to me for years now, and we won't even be allowed to talk to each other. Why do they think that isolation is going to solve anything for us? Don't they realize how isolated we've been? Nobody understands..."

She shook her head fiercely, and her face was taut with frustration. "Sorry. I don't even want to think about it right now. I just want to enjoy my leave, enjoy spending time with you and Phoebe -- "

"Oh my God, I forgot to call your sister! Hold on..."

I ran into the living room to the comm terminal. Of course, Phoebe wasn't at home or in her studio, and I couldn't get hold of David at his field office, either. I left a message on all three systems for somebody to call me back as soon as possible because I had urgent -- but pleasant -- news.

Unable to stay away from Kathryn for even a moment longer, I ran back into the kitchen. She was toying with her coffee mug, staring around the kitchen.

"A replicator, Mom? You swore you would never get one of those!"

"I only use it for ingredients; it's getting hard for me to get out often in the snow..."

"Maybe Chakotay can help you with lunch. He's an excellent chef."

 _Does she know she automatically smiles when she talks about him?_ "That would be wonderful; it would give me a chance to talk to him... there's so much about him I want to know. So, tell me, how long have you two been in love, Kathryn?"

 __

She snorted, and I could sense that this was a touchy question. "Years. About six and a half years, I guess. Since about a quarter of the way through our journey. But how long have we been a couple? About a year..."

 __

"What took you so long? You're not hesitant by nature, Katie."

 __

"Oh, Mom... you have to understand how our situation was out there. He was my first officer. Together, we were responsible for almost 150 lives. We felt... I felt we couldn't afford a personal relationship that might somehow endanger those lives. Protocol, you know, for the good of the ship. The captain does not get involved with anyone in her crew, not even -- or maybe especially -- her first officer. If we'd had a relationship and it had failed, we couldn't exactly apply for a transfer away from each other, and I couldn't afford the chance that either of us might use our relationship to play favorites. I just didn't feel like I could do anything about it out there."

 __

"You were stuck seventy years from home, and you were in love -- deeply in love from what I can see -- and you stuck to protocol? How did you manage that? Were you prepared to be lonely for the rest of your life? Oh, Kathryn, honey -- "

 __

"Yes. If that gave my crew a better chance of getting home, if my loneliness was what it took, then yes, I was ready. That was my only goal. It was my fault they got stuck out there, and I was damn well going to bring them home."

 __

"Well, apparently something changed your mind. What was it?"

 __

She chuckled. "My crazy crew... but you won't understand if I just tell you that... you'd be shocked. I guess I'll have to start at the beginning where Chakotay's concerned; I hope he's planning a long walk, because this is going to take a while."

 __

"We have all the time in the world now, Katie."

 __

She smiled sadly. "If only that were true, Mom. If I've learned anything in the past eight and a half years, it's that we can never depend on having time with our loved ones. They could be ripped away from us tomorrow..."

 __

Her words trailed off as she stared into the middle distance. I didn't press her, giving her time to come to terms with her own thoughts. This introspective Kathryn was so new to me. My daughter had always been impulsive, never weighing the consequences beforehand or reflecting on her actions afterwards. Her time away from me had truly been a lifetime; she was my Katie, and yet, she was so different.

 __

She looked back up, and her eyes were suspiciously bright. "Well, having said that, let me tell you about my angry warrior."

 __

I raised my eyebrow, amused at her turn of phrase, and she broke into joyous laughter.

 __

"I'll get to that, I promise. Let me see... I was attracted to Chakotay the first time I saw him, and I remember thinking that the pictures in his Starfleet dossier didn't do him justice at all. I may have been an engaged woman, but I wasn't dead, and surely you've noticed that he's quite pleasant to look at."

 __

I nodded, frowning slightly, and she hurriedly continued. "Don't get me wrong, Mom. I loved Mark. I still do, and I suppose I always will. You have no idea how relieved I am that he's happily married -- "

 __

"And a father now..."

 __

She blinked at that. "Really? That's wonderful... he always wanted children. I would never have done anything to hurt him if our mission had gone as planned. But I can't deny that Chakotay's intensity drew me to him. Mom, when we got caught out there, we all lost out, but he lost everything -- again -- and mostly by conscious decision. He sacrificed his ship, Mom, for the good of us all. He was willing to give up his ideals, his command, his very ship to help his people, and me and my crew, who were enemies sent to capture him. So you can see why he might have attracted my attention.

 __

"When I realized what had happened, how far from home we truly were, I knew that he was a dangerous man -- not as a Maquis; he gave me his allegiance and I never once truly doubted it. But he was dangerous to me -- he was temptation. But I was so focused on getting us all home that it was easy to ignore what was growing between us.

 __

"That was the first two years..."

 __

"And then you fell in love."

 __

She looked reflective. "It's not that simple. Around the end of the second year, we went on an away mission to a planet, looking for supplies, and we were both bitten by some kind of insect. The bites gave us a virus, something the Doctor couldn't treat or cure, and the planet's environment was the only thing that could keep us alive. So the only option was for Tuvok and Voyager to leave us behind. Forever. We were like Adam and Eve, Mom, all alone on that huge planet -- we even called it New Earth. We had to get closer to each other; we had no choice, there was no one else. I was so focused on finding a cure, but he was making a home. I was so angry with him sometimes for that. It was an exact duplicate of the lives we lived and the viewpoints we held on the ship.

 __

"Then, there was a plasma storm, and all my research and equipment was destroyed. I was devastated, and he held me, expecting nothing in return. And instantly, there was nothing holding me back any more; this was suddenly home. I was terrified."

 __

She chuckled suddenly. "He made me a bathtub, Mom."

 __

"What?"

 __

"I mentioned when we were first there that I liked to take baths, and the man went into the woods, cut down a tree, hollowed it out and carved it, and gave it to me."

 __

"I can see why you fell in love with him."

 __

"Well, that's when I started to. And then, he told me his ancient legend..."

 __

"Ancient legend?"

 __

"The night after the plasma storm, when things were getting a bit too close for me, I wanted to talk to him and figure out just what was going on. And he told me a story..."

 __

Tears glistened in her eyes as she related it to me, and by the time she was finished, any lingering doubts I had about my daughter's lover faded immediately.

 __

"My God, honey, that's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard!"

 __

She laughed shakily. "You should have heard him tell it. That's when I fell in love."

 __

"Understandably. But you said that it took you until last year to become lovers..."

 __

Pain flickered in her eyes. "Oh, Mom, you don't know how often I've wished that we had become lovers on New Earth. Perhaps then I wouldn't have been able to push him away later on. I wouldn't have hurt him so badly -- I wouldn't have hurt so much. But instead of pushing me then, when I probably would have given anything he asked, he gave me time. He knew that I was scared and he gave me time to grow into my love. And then, time was up."

 __

She fiercely swiped at her tears, drawing herself up straight and wrapping her command presence about her like a cloak.

 __

"And you did that, didn't you?"

 __

She looked confused. "Did what?"

 __

I gestured to her stiff posture. "That. Became the captain again. Aloof. Alone."

 __

She nodded wearily, and her command presence faded again. "Yes. I did. Tuvok found a cure and came back for us, and we had to be captain and first officer again. Not Kathryn and Chakotay. Actually, that's not true. Chakotay was always Chakotay; he has never had a problem integrating all the aspects of his personality. But I couldn't do that. I was the captain, and I felt so guilty for almost giving up on my crew, and I pushed him away again, behind parameters and protocol. And we never spoke of New Earth... it would have hurt too much.

 __

"I kept telling myself that I was doing this for my crew. That they needed a strong, focused captain who concentrated only on their welfare, not one weakened and unsure of her command because she was in love with her First. What I didn't realize is that if I'd accepted it, accepted us, it would have made me stronger. It was the denial and the loneliness that weakened me. Chakotay was a rock. His love and support never wavered, and believe me, I pushed against him. A lot. And hard."

 __

She stopped speaking, clearing her throat, and I rose to refill our coffee mugs.

 __

"No thanks, Mom. Can I have some water instead? The debriefings killed my voice; I feel like I talked nonstop for weeks. If I don't keep hydrated, I'll lose it completely."

 __

"You're refusing coffee, Kathryn?!"

 __

My daughter looked sheepish. "I'm trying to cut back. It's Chakotay's fault. He says I got entirely too dependent on it out there. When he asked me to try and cut down with those eyes pleading at me, something in me couldn't say no."

 __

"I've been telling you that for years! Well, I'm glad you finally listened to someone. He seems like a mighty persuasive individual. I'll have to give him a hug for getting you to cut back on the coffee."

 __

She looked at me seriously, though my tone had been jesting. "I think he'd like that, Mom. A hug, I mean. None of us got enough hugs out there. I certainly didn't, and there's no way he did. He's such a gentle, loving man." She snorted inelegantly. "Some terrorist..." She took a deep draught of the water I set down before her.

 __

"God, Mom, it got so bad out there. I got so obsessed about bringing us home any way I could that I made life hell for everyone. My crew -- my wonderful, perceptive crew -- could see how I felt about Chakotay, and how he felt about me, and they could see that I wasn't doing anything about it. I'm sure that that and some of the actions I took to get us home made them doubt my sanity, but they stuck by me. And Chakotay... he told me often that I was never alone. Those words, and the memories of New Earth, were the only things that kept me going."

 __

A tear spilled down her cheek, and I instinctively moved to wipe it away. She stiffened and then relaxed when I touched her face. Another change... the old Kathryn would never have allowed me to see her cry, let alone give her any comfort.

 __

"There were really only a few times -- less than a handful -- that I truly felt alone. They were all times when Chakotay and I argued so vehemently that I was sure we'd never mend things. He was so good at keeping our professional disagreements separate from his personal feelings for me, but I wasn't -- every time he made a valid argument, I felt betrayed, and that made everything so much worse. Every time -- I don't want to get into details right now; I'll explain more later. Maybe when he's back, so you can get both sides of the stories. But every time, he was there to pick up the pieces and support me when I regained my senses."

 __

She looked up and her eyes locked onto mine. Her tone was deadly serious. "Mom, without Chakotay, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be here today. I would have gone insane; I would have ended things long ago. Those times when I felt so alone, without him, I thought often of ways to end it."

 __

Hearing that awful revelation in such an earnest, matter-of-fact tone, I broke down. I couldn't take it anymore. My baby, going through such pain, such loneliness, and I was so far away from her, so helpless to give her a mother's love. I shot around the table and pulled her up, enfolding her in my arms, unable to speak. She let me rock her like an infant, pouring out my grief. She held me, uttering soothing noises and stroking my back, and suddenly I was the infant. Kathryn's hellish experiences had made her wise far beyond her years, far beyond my years. After several cathartic minutes, we both sat, beside each other this time. She took a shaky breath, and continued her narrative.

 __

"But I had to get my crew home; they were out there because of me, and I couldn't abandon them like that. And I told myself at night, when the loneliness was almost too much to bear, that I had to get home for Chakotay, to give him my love and to allow myself to love him. And then, my crew made the decision for me."

 __

"How?"

 __

She paused, as if trying to figure out how to word something. "You have to remember that we weren't a normal starship crew. We were a family, and certain things were allowable. Practical jokes that would probably get someone dishonorably discharged in the alpha quadrant were expected out there. We got creative; we had to, in order to keep our sanity. I don't want you think any less of my crew..."

 __

"I promise not to malign your crew. Now tell me what they did!"

 __

She smiled, and her mirth contrasted oddly with the tears still on her cheeks. "He was my Christmas gift."

 __

"What?!" _Gift... she called him Gift._

"He was beamed unconscious into my quarters wearing a shiny red bow and not much else."

I stared at her. "Oh my. And that's all it took? Kathryn!"

She laughed at my mock disapproval. "No, Mother, that's not all it took. What clinched it was that they -- whoever it was, nobody's owned up to it, despite numerous threats -- included a card signed by every single member of my crew. Except Tuvok, because they were too afraid to ask him, and Naomi Wildman, because she was just a child. But that card held such an epiphany for me. I couldn't very well put off a relationship with Chakotay for the sake of the crew when they made their opinion of it so abundantly clear. So, I gave in to my happiness.

"And you know what? The ship never ran smoother than it did after that. So much damn time wasted. It claws at me sometimes -- howling to get out -- the regret that I could have been so much happier. But Chakotay is a wise man, and he knows how to live in the present. He's trying to teach me how."

She stopped speaking, giving what I was beginning to call her "Chakotay half-grin" and I knew that she was finished, at least with that part of her story. _So much left to tell..._

"He seems like an amazing man, Katie, and I am thrilled to have him in this family."

She blushed, surprising me. "I should probably tell you... we aren't married, Mom."

"Kathryn! Do you really think that makes a difference to me? Do you think that would change the way I feel about your relationship, about him? That doesn't make him any less a part of this family. If you are happy, you're happy, and a wedding won't really change that. Happiness is my only wish for you, sweetheart; it always has been."

She leaned into me, whispering, "Thanks, Mom."

The door chime sounded. Unwilling to give up contact with her, I leaned over and hit the intercom. Kathryn stared at it in surprise... it hadn't been there the last time she was.

"Who is it?"

"It's Chakotay, Mrs. Janeway."

"My name is Gretchen, Captain, and I'll thank you to remember that. The door is open. Please lock it behind you. We're in the kitchen. It's straight back from there."

I heard the door open, close, and lock. Kathryn still looked puzzled. "If you have an intercom, why didn't you use it earlier when I signaled?"

"I thought it was a reporter, and I planned to ignore it until you leaned on the damn thing, and then I was on my way to give you a tongue lashing!"

Chakotay stepped into the kitchen, huffing and running a hand through his short, damp hair. His other arm held the duffel I'd seen him enter with earlier. He set it down and leaned against the doorjamb. "It started snowing, so I thought I'd come back in. If you're not finished, I can disappear aga -- "

He stopped, surprised, as I stood up and hugged him. After a second, he tentatively returned the hug, wrapping his arms loosely around me. I could see why my daughter enjoyed this. He was taller than Kathryn's father had been, and much broader, and he smelled fantastic, natural and spicy and wonderfully male. I stepped back to see him gazing at me with a bemused look in his warm, dark eyes.

"Welcome to my family, Chakotay; I'm sorry I didn't do that earlier. That was also for somehow getting my daughter to cut back on her coffee drinking. More importantly, it was for bringing her home safely to me."

He grinned, and his dimples flashed. "She told you I brought her home? I think she's got that backwards, and the crew would back me up on that."

I looked unwaveringly back at him, with just a hint of a smile so as not to disconcert him. "I know what my daughter told me. If she says you're responsible for her being here, then I believe her. And you'd better get used to my hugs; you'll be getting them often."

He laughed at the sternness in my last comment. "I'm sure I can acclimate myself... Um, is it okay if I use your shower? I had an energetic walk, and I did get snowed on."

"Of course. There's one upstairs in the master bedroom. Are you joining him, Katie?"

They both turned to stare at me, and I had to laugh at the looks of pure astonishment on both their faces.

"What? It's not like you're teenagers. You're consenting adults! You expect me to believe you haven't done so before?!"

"Uh, no, Mom, I think I'll pass this time. But I will take a quick bath -- stop that!" She swatted at him when he snorted. "When you're done, love, can you help Mom with lunch? Vegetarian, Mom," she added, turning briefly to me.

 _Good girl_. She remembered that I wanted to talk to him. "Do you mind, Chakotay? Kathryn tells me you're an excellent chef... I take it you're a better cook than she is."

He planted a kiss on her mock-frowning brow. "I'd love to. And she's getting better; I'm teaching her. Come on, love."

He picked up the duffel and casually slung the other arm around her shoulders. As they headed upstairs, whispering softly, I marveled at how comfortable and happy they were.

Just as they disappeared from sight, the comm terminal signaled, sending me careening into the living room. When I activated it, my younger daughter's face appeared. From the noise and activity around her, I could tell she was using a public comm terminal.

She looked concerned. "Mom, what's up? David's field office found us. They said it was urgent."

"Phoebe, where are you? You have to get over here, as soon as you can!"

Her look of concern intensified. "Why? What's going on? David and I brought the kids to Florida for the day."

"Oh, God, Phoebe, Kathryn's here. She's home, here at the house!"

I could see several people in the background turn and stare at her shriek of joy. "Oh Mom! That's so great! How long is she there for? We'll get there as soon as we can, but it will probably take several hours. Will she still be there?"

"She's staying the night, but she has to return to HQ tomorrow. She's brought Chakotay with her."

Her brow furrowed. "Her first officer? Why?"

"They're not crewmates anymore, Phoebe; they're friends. Well, more than friends. They've been together for about a year, and she's quite serious about him."

Her frown deepened. "Wasn't he Maquis?"

"There's much more to him than that. You'll see; he's actually a rather amazing man. Now, get back here! And you'd better bring your husband and children!"

"Okay, we'll get there as soon as we can. Bye."

I returned to the kitchen and stared at the replicator. I had no idea what to make for lunch. I realized I still knew virtually nothing about this man, and it was beginning to dawn on me that he now knew much, much more about my daughter than I did.

My regrets were resurfacing when I heard cheerful whistling. Chakotay bounded down the stairs, once again raking a hand through his hair. His clothing still consisted of earth tones, which brought out his bronze skin and dark eyes. Kathryn was definitely right -- he was very pleasant to look at, especially when he smiled, as he did now.

"Thanks, much better. So, what're we cooking?"

"Well, I don't know. I used to know Kathryn's tastes, but I'm sure they've changed. And I don't know anything about your likes and dislikes, other than that you're a vegetarian?" The last part was a question, and he nodded in response. "Why, if it's not too personal a question. Please, I mean no offense by it, I'm just trying to get to know you..."

"There's no need to apologize. It must be difficult for you. Not only have you regained a daughter that you thought you lost, you've also gained a s -- " He cut himself off, looking away from me.

"A son. Yes, Chakotay, you can say it. I meant what I said earlier; if Kathryn has chosen you, then you are a welcome member of this family."

His smile returned, but there was a tinge of sadness I couldn't interpret. "Thank you. To answer your question, my people do not believe in taking the life of another being unless it is absolutely necessary."

"What if the meat is replicated?"

He ducked his head, still grinning. "That's an ethical dilemma that I've been wrestling with myself over for years. In the end, I just decided to avoid it if possible. The replicated meat may not have a spirit, but the idea is the same, and it's not really worth it to me."

"You seem like a man very in tune with your culture and your spirituality."

"I wasn't always. Many things have happened in my life to bring me closer to my heritage."

"Kathryn isn't religious. Or at least, she wasn't before."

"She still isn't. But she understands and accepts that I am, and that's more than some people can do."

 _Well, that's one potential relationship difficulty out of the way._ I nodded and decided to change the subject. I didn't want him to feel as if he was being interrogated. "So, lunch. I was thinking maybe mushroom omelets and a salad, if that sounds good to you."

He laughed then, a deep, infectious chuckle.

"What's so funny?"

"You're going to think I'm just trying to flatter you..."

"You don't seem like a man prone to false flattery or deception, Mr. Chakotay."

He nodded in acknowledgement of my compliment. "I love mushrooms. Kathryn and I have eaten many a mushroom omelet."

"Well, mushroom omelets it is then. You can make them, and I'll do the salad. You can get all the ingredients from the replicator."

He stared at it for a moment, and then shook his head and moved toward it.

"What is it?" I asked, curious at his hesitation.

"It's just that unlimited replicator use still seems like such a luxury."

"It must have been tough out there..." I began, assembling the ingredients for a salad. "Kathryn didn't go into too much detail, but it didn't sound like an easy ride home."

He shook his head, absorbing himself in his cooking. "No. No, it wasn't easy. At times, it seemed impossible. But Kathryn never gave in to doubt. And I never doubted her."

"How long have you loved my daughter?"

His head came up and his dark eyes pierced mine. "About eight years. I've been _in love_ with her for about six and a half years."

"Ah... New Earth."

His eyes widened. "She... she told you about New Earth? I mean, I knew she would, but already?"

"Some... we didn't have time to go into minute detail, but she told me that's when she fell in love with you."

That sad smile returned, and I knew he was thinking of years of loneliness and regret. "I assume she also told you that we didn't become... involved then."

"Yes, she did. She told me her reasoning. She also told me what changed her mind; I understand the significance of her nickname for you. Gift, indeed."

He reddened slightly at my words, and the blush added a pleasant highlight to his golden skin. "How much did she tell you about that?"

I had figured out by now that he was a fairly private man, and I knew that he probably wouldn't be too thrilled that I knew he'd been a nearly naked gift.

"Just that you were a gift to her from the crew. Sounds to me like you guys ran a fairly unorthodox ship..."

Chakotay shook his head slowly. "You might think that. But we _were_ in a fairly unorthodox situation. We had to become a family in order to survive, to stay sane, and that involved a good deal of teasing and practical joking. But pranks and jokes never happened on duty. Voyager was still a Starfleet ship, and our officers and crew were expected to conform to protocol on duty, and to act like respectable members of Starfleet at all times." His voice hardened at the last sentence, but I knew he wasn't conscious of it.

"Chakotay, you have to understand something. Katie was raised Starfleet. Between her father and Admiral Paris -- "

He cut me off, and the ardency in his voice startled me.

"I do understand that, believe me I do. And I abided by her rules. But that didn't make it any easier when Kathryn was hurting and lonely a bulkhead away from me, and I was forced to listen to her cry herself into exhaustion. I knew that I could help her, and I was not allowed -- "

He cut himself off again, and his voice softened.

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't be bringing all this up. It doesn't matter any more, thanks to our 'fairly unorthodox' crew." He was smiling, but his eyes were blazing.

"Oh, but it does matter, Chakotay. It's all part of your history with my daughter, and I want to know everything about it, if she's decided to spend her life with you."

He remained quiet but scrutinized my face. I think he was trying to gauge my reaction to my own words.

"I don't know if Kathryn told you this, but she and I aren't married."

"She did tell me. And I'll tell you the same thing I told her -- that doesn't matter to me."

He spoke, so quietly that I couldn't make out his words.

"Sorry?"

"I said, 'It matters to me.'"

I raised my eyebrow at him.

"Gretchen, to say that I love your daughter would be an injustice to the connection between us. I want to spend my life with her, and raise a family with her, and while marriage isn't necessary for those things, it's something that I want, and I believe that Kathryn wants it too."

I laughed in astonishment. "Chakotay, I believe you're proposing to the wrong woman! By now, you must have realized that Kathryn is very much her own woman. I have no say in whether or not she marries, let alone her choice of groom."

He flushed. "I'm not proposing to you in place of her. I just want you to understand how I feel. If we hadn't found that wormhole, I would have asked Kathryn the very next day -- I even have the ring -- but then everything happened, and we didn't really see each other for over a month, and we certainly couldn't ever talk about us..."

"But she told me she was with you last night... if you've been prepared to ask her for a month and a half, why didn't you ask her then?"

He sighed. "I guess things have changed now. She's an admiral, and she has so many options here in this quadrant... I know she loves me, but we're still both in Starfleet, and things are going to get complicated..."

"I think Kathryn's beyond caring what Starfleet thinks of your relationship... if she wasn't sure about her love for you, she wouldn't have allowed herself to show it, even out there in the Delta Quadrant. And Kathryn loves you more than life itself; I don't think your commissions figure into how important that love is to her."

He smiled, but it was weak. "I guess I'm just scared; our lives have already been thrown into such upheaval recently... I don't really know that I'm sure of what she wants anymore. I knew we were coming here today, and I wanted to see what my reception here would be like... I'd decided not to ask her yet if it didn't seem like I was welcome."

"Chakotay, even if I didn't approve of my daughter's choices, I would do nothing to keep her from her happiness. I meant what I said earlier; if you two are happy, you have any blessing of mine you care to ask for. And, I said that before I knew anything about you. You're a remarkable man, Mr. Chakotay, and both Kathryn and you have shown me how much you love each other. I already consider you my son. If you want to marry Kathryn, you have to ask Kathryn. Trust in your love."

His voice was very soft, and emotion swam in his words. "Thank you. I hope I am a worthier son this time than I was the last time." He paused, and I pondered his words. He looked up, and his smile was a little bit stronger. "And I plan to ask her. Tonight."

"Good. I'm glad. Good luck. When do you plan to introduce her to your family?"

His sadness returned, with no accompanying smile this time. "I have no family -- at least, none to speak of; my homeworld was destroyed by the Cardassians. I think a cousin's daughter still lives in Ohio, but other than that, I'm pretty much it. You can't know how it feels for me to be accepted into your family, and I thank you."

"Oh, Chakotay, I'm so sorry. I didn't know..."

"I have Kathryn; she is my family. And -- though it took us all years to realize how true it really is -- we have a huge extended family of about 150. And I don't have to introduce her to them; they know her quite well. But to be part of a true family -- a clan -- again..."

Impulsively, though we were both a bit messy from the cooking, I hugged him again. I felt him shudder as he struggled with his emotions. He tried to pull away, but I held him, giving him time to regain his control.

"Hey, what's going on down here? One Janeway isn't enough for you, Mister?"

At Kathryn's playful outburst from the stairs, I glanced up, curious to see Chakotay's reaction. He schooled his features into a mask of serenity and added a smile. Only then did he turn to her, matching her jovial tone.

"Nope... where's your sister? I'll take as many of them as I can get! Mushroom omelets okay with you?"

Her smile faded as she studied his face. "Uh uh. What's going on? You're not okay, Chakotay; I can tell."

She shot me a glance, and I was amazed by the fire in it. She looked like a protective mother lioness, and I actually felt a bit of sympathy for anyone who'd dared to come up against her and her ship.

"I'm fine, love; I should have known better than to try to hide something from you. Your mother and I were talking about kinship and family."

Without a word, she came to him and wrapped her arms around him. He stroked her hair and kissed her head, and I watched as she silently comforted him. How had they kept this suppressed for so long? It must have been hell for them both.

After a moment, they separated, and Kathryn said softly, "Mushroom omelets, hmm? Whose idea was that?"

"Mine, actually," I broke in. She looked from him to me and back again, and the three of us simultaneously burst into laughter.

Teasingly, he asked her, "Did you enjoy your 'quick' bath, Kathryn?"

"Oh yes... and it looks like I'm just in time for lunch."

"You are," I chimed in, "and Phoebe, David, and the twins will be here this afternoon. Now, let's eat!"

We sat down and tucked in -- Kathryn was right, Chakotay's cooking was excellent -- and in between bites, I asked, "So, tell me about your crew. You can tell me about your ship and your journey later. Right now, I want to know about your family."

"Well, okay. Where shall we begin? Oh, I know. Do you remember Owen's son Tom?"

I vaguely remembered a handsome young man with an extremely sullen attitude. "Wasn't he in prison?"

Chakotay snorted. "Yes, after taking off from my Maquis cell, leaving us in quite a lurch. We just thought he'd skipped out on us..."


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer ~ I don't own them; Paramount does. If I owned them, I think they'd have been much, much happier.

 

About seven hours later, we sat around the table again, along with Phoebe, David, and their eleven-month-old twins. I simply watched my family, content; my daughters were deep in discussion, and so were David and Chakotay. Chakotay had been delighted to find out that David was an archaeologist, and David was regaling him with stories from his digs. The men comfortably held the twins, and it was an adorable sight. My grandchildren had been captivated by Chakotay -- Edward kept trying to steal his tattoo -- and I was unsurprised to find out that he was wonderful with them.

To my greater surprise, Kathryn had been delighted with them as well, but I guess her interaction with the children on Voyager -- including her goddaughter Miral Kathryn -- had somewhat changed her views on kids. Her niece and nephew had spent the entire afternoon and evening, up until dinner, in the laps of their aunt and uncle. The day had been a long one for the children -- especially with the morning in Florida -- and they were growing fussy now.

David stood up, bouncing Edward in an attempt to calm him. "I think I'll take them up and put them to bed."

Phoebe looked up. "I think we're going to have to take them home tonight, David."

He frowned. "Why?"

She rolled her eyes at him. "And just where do you plan to put them, honey?"

His tone was mildly frustrated. "Where else? In the crib in Ka -- " He stopped, reddening, and stammered, "Oh, God, Kath, I'm so sorry. It's habit..."

I put him out of his misery. "It's okay, David. I had Chakotay move the crib into my room earlier. You can put them in there; they'll stay with Grandma tonight. You two can sleep in Phoebe's old room. I would prefer to keep us all together, at least for one night... indulge an old woman."

David laughed, "Of course we'll stay. And you're not old, Gretchen, not by a long shot." He brought Edward over to kiss me good night and then whisked him up the stairs.

Phoebe stood and took Rebecca from Chakotay, gently bouncing the baby as she fussed at the loss of contact with her new friend. "Come on, sweetie. Bedtime. You'll see Uncle Chak tomorrow."

Kathryn raised her eyebrow. "Uncle Chak?"

The uncle in question smiled wistfully. "'Uncle Chak' is fine. Good night, Princess," he added, waving to her and laughing delightedly when she waved back.

An odd expression flickered on his face, and he also stood. "I'll be right back; I need to get something from upstairs."

Kathryn looked at him, puzzled, but he merely smiled at her. When he turned to head up the stairs, he winked at me. As Phoebe leaned down for me to kiss her daughter, I murmured, "Stay upstairs for a while."

She looked confused, so I shot a look at Kathryn, who was staring after Chakotay with a bemused smile on her face. Bringing my hand up to Phoebe's face, I turned my wedding ring on my finger. Comprehension dawned on her face, and she laughed and nodded. The noise drew Kathryn's attention back to us, and I quickly kissed Rebecca and sent her off to bed.

Kathryn watched as Phoebe climbed the stairs, cooing to Rebecca. She had a strange look on her face, one I couldn't identify. Chakotay had mentioned wanting a family, but I wondered if they'd talked about it.

"The twins seem quite taken with Chakotay; I guess he's got their seal of approval."

She glanced back at me with a slightly guilty look, and I knew I had correctly guessed the topic of her daydream.

"He's amazing with children; he'd be a fantastic father, and I know he wants a family. All the kids on Voyager adore him." She laughed, remembering something. "In fact, Naomi Wildman has quite a crush on him!"

"What about you?"

She grinned. "I have quite a crush on him, too."

I laughed but quickly grew serious. "You know what I mean, Katie. Do you want a family? You used to tell me that you never wanted children, that they were too much trouble."

She sighed. "Yes, I do. It surprised me too, when I realized it. It's strange. I never felt that children were such a big deal, even knowing how badly Mark wanted kids. But with Chakotay... it's different -- he sees family as the most important facet of life, I guess because he's lost his. He wants someone to pass his knowledge and culture to, and I find I want it too. I... can see myself with his son, or his daughter, something I've never been able to see before...

"But I don't know, Mom. It would never have been possible on Voyager, for too many reasons. Now that we're here? I just don't know; things are so uncertain right now. Maybe someday... but then, we're not exactly young anymore..."

She stopped as his footsteps sounded on the stairs. I saw him fiddle with something and then slip it in his pocket. I shooed them into the living room, telling them to get comfortable while I made coffee and tea.

I heard her cry of surprise a few minutes later, and I smiled to myself, imagining the tableau. But then, her voice continued, growing increasingly agitated. _Oh, Katie, what are you doing?_ I couldn't decipher any of her words, and I couldn't hear his voice, but the pauses in her speech told me that he was responding to her. Finally, I heard his voice, sharp and quick, just before the front door slammed, hard.

I ran into the living room just as Phoebe came running down the front stairs. Kathryn was on her knees in front of the couch, staring at the door, and tears were flowing silently down her face. Chakotay was nowhere to be seen.

"Katie? What happened?"

I pulled her up to sit with me on the couch, and her sister sat on her other side. When she spoke, her voice sounded bewildered, almost dazed. She was still crying.

"He asked me to marry him. And I said no..."

Then, she seemed to come back to herself and -- as she had earlier that day -- she swiped at her tears and began to straighten her posture. Frustrated, I grabbed her shoulders and shook her -- not too gently, either.

"Dammit, Kathryn, don't do that!"

"Do what?!"

"Stop becoming the captain, or the admiral, or whatever the hell rank you hold now! This is Kathryn's life, not Starfleet's!"

She looked shocked, and the tears began to fall again. I was a bit shocked myself; I never cursed at my children, and I hated that I'd done so now. But at least she stopped her transformation and slumped back onto the cushions.

"Now," I continued, much more softly. "Tell me what happened."

"I did. He proposed, and I said no."

Phoebe chimed in, surreptitiously wiping her own eyes. "You said a lot more than no. I heard you upstairs, but I couldn't hear what you were saying."

Kathryn sighed, and the sigh became a sob. After a second -- during which I could see her struggle for self-control -- she spoke. "He asked me to marry him. Unsurprisingly, it was the most beautiful proposal I've ever heard -- to me or anyone else." She laughed shakily, but her face crumpled.

"I said no, that we couldn't." She closed her eyes, but I knew that it wouldn't let her hide from the images playing again in her mind. "God, he looked so hurt. He couldn't even ask why not, but I could see the question in those eyes... I can see everything in those eyes. I told him that it wouldn't work because we're both still in Starfleet. So he said he would resign, and I told him that even if he did, I still wouldn't marry him. When he finally asked why, I told him that it didn't matter why; I wouldn't marry him, whether or not he resigned. And he told me that he hoped Starfleet would keep me warm, and he left." She looked at me, and I could see that his departure hurt more than his words. "He left."

She pulled away from me, springing to her feet and starting to pace. "God! There are so many reasons that it wouldn't work! Why can't he see that?!"

Phoebe gently asked, "Did you give him any of those reasons?"

"No! I couldn't..."

She persisted. "Can you tell us?"

Kathryn looked scared, and vulnerable -- a look I'd seldom seen on her before. "I don't think so..."

"Try. We'll help you."

The vulnerability disappeared suddenly, replaced by anger. "I meant what I said about Starfleet, but not because of my career, not for the reason he thinks. We've already angered a lot of Command by being involved with each other. Owen told me that if we take it any further -- make it binding -- Nechayev and her _friends_ will do whatever they can to make sure that our orders don't coincide, and even that we're as far away from each other as we can be. I'd much rather be at his side and unmarried than light years away from him and married!"

There was venom in her voice, and I was stunned at her revelation. What had these two people done that had so angered those above them? They'd fallen in love, and it was being treated like a crime. They resisted that love for years, for as long as they could, abiding by 'fleet rules, but even that wasn't enough. Sure, their relationship was a breach of protocol, but given their circumstances, it was understandable, and it had been accepted and embraced by their entire crew! All of a sudden, I was furious at Starfleet, and I wanted to find Alynna Nechayev and do unpleasant things to her.

Phoebe was just as surprised as I was, but she recovered quicker. "Katie, why didn't you tell Chakotay that? He would have understood..."

"No he wouldn't have! He would have just been more determined to resign, and I won't let him do that. That's why I told him I wouldn't marry him if he did!"

I spoke now, and my voice was full of the authority of parenthood. "Katie, if he wants to leave Starfleet, that's his decision to make, not yours. If he's involved with you, then yes, it concerns you too, but ultimately, it's his choice."

She turned on me, and her voice was desperate. "I can't let him do that! Mom, he's lost everything. Repeatedly. He's had to start over. Repeatedly. I can't ask him to do that again. We fought so hard to let him keep his commission -- they made him a captain! He's a 'fleet captain! I can't ask him to give it all up, for me!"

"That's where you're wrong."

We all jumped at David's voice. He was leaning against the wall by the stairs, watching us. Kathryn turned her glare on him.

"What do you mean?"

"You're confusing him with you. You're dedicated to Starfleet; he isn't. To him, it's just a job. There are other things he'd like to do. The only reason he's still 'fleet is because you're there. The best part of his job is being with you; that's all that matters to him."

Kathryn's eyes narrowed. "How the hell do you think you know all this?! You only met us both today!"

He shrugged. "We talked. He manages to say a lot with very few words... you should know that."

She was silent for a moment, but then her expression hardened. "I. Can't. Marry. Him. That's it!"

"Why. Not?" Phoebe was just as adamant as her sister.

Kathryn's angry posture sagged and she broke down again. "I just can't! Why can't he just be happy with us the way we are?" she wailed.

I stood and took her trembling form in my arms. "Katie, this isn't about Starfleet, or his career. What is going on?"

She spoke into my shoulder, and her words were muffled.

"What, honey?"

She pulled back, and there was an expression of naked fear in her eyes.

"I can't marry him. I can't even agree to marry him. I won't lose him!"

And suddenly, it was all clear. Justin. And Mark. My daughter had been serious when she'd talked of judging Chakotay's proposal. After all, she'd had three now...

"Oh, Katie..."

She turned away from me to stare into the empty fireplace. Her words were soft but forceful. "I know it's stupid, and irrational, and superstitious, but I can't do it. I feel like I'd be cursing him -- us -- if I put that ring on my finger. I'm a scientist, and a Starfleet admiral, for God's sake, but I can't do it."

"Honey, you have to tell him why! You have to talk to him!"

"I can't! I don't want him to see how stupid I'm being. But I can't marry him... if I lost him, no impromptu shower by a meddling sister would bring me out of it this time -- nothing would."

Phoebe grinned ruefully at Kathryn's comment, but I kept my face neutral. I wanted her to take seriously what I was going to say.

"Kathryn, you need to talk to him. You're pushing him away again, without giving him a reason! If you don't talk to him, you're going to lose him anyway. He had to question your love for years; don't make him do it again. I only met him today, but I know -- without a doubt -- that Chakotay is not the kind of man to laugh at your fears, no matter how irrational you think you're being. I know that if you explain to him why you're scared, he'll understand. He won't pressure you; you don't have to marry him, but you need to tell him why you won't. Explain it to him. Please. Because, Katie, you're losing him, and it will hurt much, much more if you lose him this way."

She stared at me, absorbing my words. She turned away again, and for a second, I thought all my pleading had been in vain. Then, she drew herself up, but the Starfleet mask didn't fall over her features. She was gathering her strength, but for Kathryn.

"I have to find him," she said, and the resolve in her voice reassured me. She strode purposefully toward the front door, only to be caught and held by David.

"Oh no you don't!"

"What?! Why?!"

He nodded toward the window. "It's snowing. Hard."

Phoebe followed his nod and exploded. "God! You two are such a perfect pair! What is it with the people in this family wandering out mindlessly into blizzards!?"

Kathryn glanced wildly at all of us. "Come on! We have to look for him!"

I grabbed her arm. "Kathryn, you said yourself that he's a tracker. He'll be fine; I'm sure he'll be back soon."

She pulled her arm away from me. "He's from a desert planet! I don't think he knows how to navigate in the snow! That's a damn blizzard out there! And he's not dressed warmly! And he's upset! Who knows where he'll go?! He doesn't even have his combadge! Oh God!" Her voice broke.

"Kathryn! Look at me. He's not stupid. I'm sure he hasn't gone far. And wherever he's gone, whether it's near or far, we'd never find him if he doesn't want to be found. If he's a tracker he knows about hiding his own tracks in any weather -- and whatever traces he might have left have been obliterated by the snow. If we go out to look for him, all we will succeed in doing is endangering ourselves. I know it's hard, and it's not what you want to do, but all we can do is wait here, until the storm dies down or he returns. Go upstairs, and find him some warm clothes to put on when he gets back. Go on!"

Phoebe firmly led her still-protesting sister up the stairs, and I turned to David. "Thank you, David, for everything. Go check on the twins, please."

He eyed me for a second longer, and then nodded and followed my daughters up. Once they were all safely out of sight, I decided to follow a hunch. I knew that I was disregarding my own sound advice, and that my daughters would kill me if they found out. Wrapping a blanket around myself, I slipped quietly out the front door, taking care to make sure it remained unlocked. Peering out into the swirling snow, I tried to discern his figure, but I could see nothing. Remaining on the veranda, I walked to the side of the house, craning my head around the wall, leaning out over the railing.

He was there, on his knees in the snow, forehead pressed to the bark of Kathryn's favorite tree, the one she'd laughingly shown him earlier. He was chanting, or screaming, or whispering something -- in the noise of the storm, I couldn't hear anything at all, and I could barely see the movement of his lips. Tears were streaming down his cheeks from under his closed eyes, freezing there, but he paid them no heed. He was growing indistinguishable from the background as the snow blanketed his form.

I called his name, but the sound was torn away by the wind. Dropping the blanket and sighing in annoyance, I made my way slowly down the front porch stairs. Gingerly picking my way around the house, I held on to the porch railing as long as I could. I inched toward him, calling his name, but he was oblivious.

When I touched his shoulder, he jumped violently, abrading his brow on the rough tree bark. Bloodied, he turned to me, the alarm in his eyes giving way to anger as he took in his surroundings. Without a word, he stood, lifted me into his arms, and walked steadily to the porch. Only after he'd gently set me down did he let his anger flare.

"What is it with you Janeway women and your damn penchant for recklessness?! You could have been killed! You might have fallen, and I would have never known! Kathryn would have killed me!"

I drew myself up to my -- admittedly not very impressive -- full height, answering his ire with my own.

"And walking out into a blizzard -- improperly dressed -- in an unfamiliar area is the epitome of intelligence? Not to mention staying still and _kneeling_ in the snow! Were you planning on ever coming back in, or were you just going to sit there until you turned into a damned ice sculpture?!"

"It wasn't snowing when I left! To be honest, I didn't even realize it had started!"

"Chakotay, this is a damn blizzard! How the hell could you not notice!?"

He looked at my posture -- hands on hips, head thrown back -- and chuckled softly. "I should have known better than to argue with a Janeway," he said wearily. "I never win those arguments... I don't even stand a chance." He swiped at the blood oozing down his forehead and winced.

"Oh, Chakotay... come inside so I can take care of that. Then you can go talk to Kathryn."

"No. I can't go in yet. I can't talk to her. I thought I could handle it if she didn't want marriage, but she won't even tell me why! Is Starfleet really so precious to her? I thought I knew her, but I don't understand this!"

"Fine. Don't go in. We'll talk out here." And I shivered elaborately, making sure he'd see it. He sighed.

"No, let's go in before you freeze. But, to the kitchen, please. I can't see her yet."

I shut the door quietly behind us. He looked at it and grinned ruefully, shaking his head, but he said nothing, following me silently into the kitchen. When I shut the kitchen door, he looked at it too, still grinning -- or maybe grimacing.

"What's so funny?" I asked, peering at the mess on his forehead.

"Do you know how good it felt to slam that door? I longed for a door to slam on Voyager. It's quite difficult to make a dramatic exit when the doors slide quietly shut behind you."

"Did you have need of many dramatic exits?"

He hung his head, but I tilted it back up to dab at it with a wet towel, trying not to smile as he valiantly attempted to suppress the flinch that resulted.

"Not lately. Gods, what is going on? I asked her to be my wife, and she turned into Captain Janeway, scourge of the Delta Quadrant! She hasn't done that in so long in regards to our relationship! Why? Is she ashamed of me? We can only take it this far and no farther?" His dark eyes beseeched me, and my resolve not to tell him anything crumbled. He had been rejected by my daughter so often, and I had a feeling that if he didn't understand her motives, he wouldn't be able to steel himself to face her again.

"She's not ashamed of you. Please believe me. Chakotay... it's probably not my place to talk about this, but if I don't, then you two won't talk. Has she talked of her past?"

He looked wary. "Some... why?"

"You know that she was engaged when Voyager was pulled into the Delta Quadrant?"

"Yes, we've discussed Mark. What does he have to do with anything?!"

"Don't get angry. Hear me out. Has she ever mentioned... anyone else? Anyone before Mark? Someone serious?"

His brow wrinkled as he thought for a moment. "Justin..." he breathed, his eyes widening.

"Chakotay, my daughter has been engaged twice, but she's never been married; she's never had the opportunity. She's scared right now. It's not exactly the most rational way for her to feel, and she realizes that. She's scared, and she's ashamed of her fear."

He murmured her name, and the pain in his eyes was heartwrenching.

"She couldn't tell you; she was afraid of your reaction. So, she did as she's always done and hid behind Starfleet. She's terrified of losing you. I wouldn't have told you, but you both are so damned stubborn, and you're so much in love that it's easy for you to hurt each other. Go talk to her, and don't let her push you away! Trust me, it's not your love that she's rejecting."

He stared at me, his eyes still pleading silently for my help. "What can I say? How do I convince her that I'm not going anywhere, that nothing dreadful will happen if she accepts my proposal?"

"Just stay with her. The best way to show her that you're not going anywhere is not to go anywhere. Show her that you understand her fear and won't belittle it."

"I would never belittle anyone's fears, especially Kathryn's. If anyone understands the grief and fear of losing loved ones, I do. We've shared our fears before... why couldn't she tell me about this? Does she really think I wouldn't understand?"

"I don't think it's that she feels you wouldn't understand... from what you've both told me, you have shared your fears. Fear of the Borg, and other hostile aliens. Fear for your crew, the ship. Fear that you wouldn't get home. Tangible things, fears easily understood. She's a scientist, Chakotay. This fear doesn't have any basis in science or fact -- it's just a terrifying gut reaction. It was probably damn near impossible for her to admit it to herself, and she only told her sister and me because we wouldn't let her not tell us." He nodded, seeing the truth in my words. I took a deep breath. "Are you willing to accept that she might never get over this fear? That she might never be able to marry you? I know that you told me marriage is important to you... how important is it?"

He was silent for several minutes, obviously thinking deeply, staring at his hands clasped before him. He raised his head, looking intently into my eyes, and I thought of how many times he'd done that today. His honesty and sincerity -- to himself and others -- were refreshing in a universe full of people like Admiral Nechayev.

"I won't say that it's unimportant to me. After longing for her love as long as I did, the ability to show to the universe that she's mine and I'm hers, by the power of a binding authority -- it's a powerful idea. I don't need it, but I want it. Kathryn is paramount, though. Her love is my life; with it, I can withstand anything -- without it, nothing. If marriage is something she doesn't want, then it's something I can live without, as long as she's beside me."

He turned suddenly, looking toward the kitchen stairs, and I saw my daughter standing there, watching us. She hadn't made a sound, but he had known she was there. He crossed the kitchen to stand before her, and they were eye to eye because she was still several risers up. Neither said a word for several moments, but I could tell something was passing between them. Then, she turned from him and started up the stairs, and my heart leapt into my throat. I almost snapped at her to get down here and talk to him, but then I saw the hand she had extended behind her. He grabbed it, kissed it, and followed her up the stairs, and they were silent all the way, until I heard her bedroom door close behind them.

I remained downstairs for a while longer, thinking about everything I'd heard and seen and felt that day. When I finally did go upstairs, I heard low and steady voices through Kathryn's door. I sent a quick prayer to whatever deities were listening that my daughter and this worthy man would find all the happiness they deserved.

=/\= =/\= =/\=

Accustomed to having the house to myself, especially in the early morning, I was surprised to hear voices in the kitchen as I headed down the stairs.

"Good morning," I yawned. "You're up early."

Kathryn turned at the sound of my voice. "Eight and a half years of early shifts, double shifts, and every other combination of shifts will do that to you," she said with a smile, saluting me with her coffee mug.

Her turn had placed her slightly in front and to the right of Chakotay, and as they were both in uniform, I recognized the image as the first one that I'd seen broadcast upon Voyager's return. It was their command stance from the bridge.

"So this is what all those aliens in the delta quadrant saw staring at them from their viewscreens. I almost feel sorry for them; it's quite an intimidating sight."

She looked puzzled and then laughed as she noticed how they were standing. "Almost. New uniforms, though. I hate these. I hated the other ones too, but I hate these more. At least I was used to the other ones." She tugged at the collar, and Chakotay laughed at the grumbling tone in her voice.

"Yes, but they make you look brave and authoritative," I teased. "And the captain looks quite dashing in his. I always was a sucker for a man in uniform," I added, noting with a smile his flush at my compliment. "I think that's why I fell for your father," I whispered to Kathryn, and she rolled her eyes at me before smiling.

She turned to appraise Chakotay openly, ignoring the fact that he was doing the same to her. "Mmm, you're right. It is quite a pleasant view," she purred, and my heart lifted at her lighthearted mood. Apparently they'd worked things out.

"Yes, well get your fill, Admiral ma'am," he replied in a low, deep voice, wrapping his arms around her. "Because this is the last time I'm putting the damn thing on."

Though his tone was light, I could hear steel in his voice, and I looked at him, surprised. He noticed my scrutiny, and squeezing Kathryn as he spoke, he said, "I'm resigning from Starfleet today. Again. Bet not many people get to say that."

I glanced at Kathryn, expecting to see her upset or dismayed at his statement, but she looked as determined as he did. I let out a deep breath in relief. "Oh?" I said neutrally, wanting to know if he'd say more.

"Yes. I had serious doubts about staying with 'fleet in the first place upon our return, but I did so to be near Kathryn. However, I cannot be a part of an organization that -- on top of everything else -- would keep me from her just to satisfy the personal grudges of a couple of stuffy admirals." He noticed her glaring at him. "Present company excluded, of course, love," he said sweetly.

She growled at him, looked into her mug, set it down, grabbed his, and finished his coffee in one quick movement.

"Hey!"

"Sorry... love," she replied in a tone just as sweet as his. She grimaced. "Too much sugar, and would you like some coffee with your cream? God, Chakotay..."

"Well, if you don't like my coffee, you shouldn't steal it," he replied in a long suffering tone, and I knew this was an argument they'd had many, many times before.

Laughing at them, I grabbed both their mugs and refilled them, getting one for myself. It was really good to see them this way... but I wanted to know what else they'd resolved in their nocturnal conversation. I plunked their mugs down at two places on the table and sat myself down at a third. Following my lead, they sat as well.

"What about you, Kathryn?" I said bluntly. "Have you decided what you're going to do?"

She sighed. "I'm going to go to Admiral Paris and ask for a long leave of absence during which I'm going to get some counseling. Although I know my best two counselors are sitting right here at this table," she added, grasping my hand and Chakotay's. He kissed her hand and I simply smiled at her.

"What kind of counseling are you going to get?" I asked, curious.

"Non-'fleet counseling. Those damn reacclimatization counselors can go to hell; there's no way I'm separating from Chakotay for any length of time, and I'm going to demand that my crew be allowed to see each other as well. We're going to need each other for awhile; we're all we have."

"What if they don't listen to your demand?"

"Then they'll have to deal with the resignation of one very notable admiral as well as the excellent captain here," she said firmly, and I could hear the threads of command running through her voice. "And believe me, once I resign, most of Voyager's crew will as well... I don't think Starfleet wants to deal with that right now."

Chakotay was looking at her with undisguised pride and joy and love in his eyes. It was good to see. "What about you, Chakotay? What are you planning to do after your fateful meeting with the admiralty?"

He sat up even straighter and the pride in his eyes grew. "I'm going to build us a house."

"Build? Not buy?"

"Nope, build." He laughed, "It's my own form of therapy... something I've been longing to do for a long time."

"Where is this house going to be?"

He looked at Kathryn, who shrugged. He echoed the shrug and added, "We haven't decided yet. But with our combined back pay, we should be able to buy a nice plot of land somewhere, and I'll build us a home."

"With a garden," Kathryn added quietly.

He glanced at her. "With a garden."

"Near a river."

He peered more closely. "Near a river." He laughed. "I suppose you want a boat, too."

She nodded happily. "No monkeys, though."

Chakotay looked like he was about to cry. I was mystified. He said, very quietly, "No monkeys," and kissed her on the forehead, lingering there gently. After a moment he said in a shaky voice, "And no combadges with interfering Vulcans on the other end!"

She smiled. "I can't promise that, but I'll try." She turned to me. "So, as you can see, Mom, we have a lot to do today. Resign, storm the admiralty and demand the rights of the crew, find a piece of land, buy it, and start building on it. I hope you don't mind if we cut this visit short. But I promise you, we'll be back. Soon. Probably this weekend, if you'll have us."

"You go do what you have to do, Katie. Come back to me, though, and of course I'll have you. You both are welcome to stay here for as long as you'd like, whenever you'd like. This is your home. Both of you," I added, and they nodded. "I mean it... I expect to see you both back here. Soon. Don't make me come to San Francisco and find you, young lady," I added, and she smiled.

She looked at him, and he looked back at her, and once again I was struck by their ability to communicate so well without any words. "We'll be back. For dinner. Tonight. So tell Phoebe not to pout, and give those twins a kiss for me."

I nodded, and we all stood. I felt tears prick my eyes, and she embraced me. "Don't worry, Mom. I am coming back this time. I swear. I won't let anything keep me away."

I kissed her and hugged Chakotay, and he shouldered their bag as they unconsciously stepped closer together, into the stance I'd seen earlier, their Starfleet stance. She smacked her combadge. "Janeway to Starfleet Headquarters."

"Headquarters here."

"Two to beam back."

They disappeared with a shimmer and a buzz, leaving me alone in an empty kitchen.

My daughter was gone. Again. I waited for the tears, but they didn't come. She was home, and happy, and that was more than I could have asked for. I started upstairs to wake the rest of my family, completely content for the first time in almost a decade. As I knocked on Phoebe's door, I marveled at what a difference one day could really make.


End file.
